You’re at the top of the hill with your friends, some you might know really well and maybe some total strangers. You guys are clipping on your helmets, kicking your board up into your hands, and generally shuffling about waiting for the nonverbal que to go down the hill again. Social anxiety has no place at the top of the hill since you all have some common ground to speak on, but small talk regarding your recent setup tweaks can only take you so far.
How does one truly forge unbreakable bro bonds betwixt bros? How do you make homies? What does it even mean to lurk?
I have no idea.
BUT, here are a few sweet ice-breakers to bust out during a lurk-sesh to put y’all on the fast-track to being butt buddies.
1. What’s the largest animal you think you could kill with your bare hands?
This is always elicits good answers for two reasons: everyone thinks they’re way stronger than they are, and the ridiculous answers will inevitably instigate some friction between machismos. This might push people to prove that they are the ballsier alpha-skater. You’ll hear ridiculous answers like “yeah bro I could probably choke out a deer or something” from people who have no idea how crazy strong a deer’s vitality is. You’ll also hear bullshit like “if a shark washed up on a beach I could just wail on it with my fists until it dies.” Dying from asphyxiating in our atmosphere does not mean you killed it with your bare hands ya dingus. Most people will completely overlook the emu, an incredibly large bird with a proportionally narrow neck that you have a very good chance of being able to wring if you snagged it just right. I am 90% sure that it is the largest animal a human could kill with its bare hands in a fair fight, but I’m sure a bunch of you posers out there beg to differ. Fight me.
2. Share your secret weapon: the most fire pickup line in your extensive arsenal of lady-killing quotes.
Ahh, nothing brings boys together like girls. You may be uncomfortable unveiling the magic to your raw charisma and animal magnetism to your friends but hey, skating is all about pushing boundaries and by extension SO IS LURKING. So tell all; explain why you should never use correct grammar in text messages to add to your ‘bad-boy’ vibe. Notify your friends that hand-holding is for wussies and that you should always hold hunnies by the waist. Debate the value in not showering the day before the date so that your pheromones are particularly pungent. You can tell a lot about a man by the way he talks about girls; pay attention and unlock the keys to homies and hunnies, you autistic weirdo.
3. What’s the weirdest thing you’ve ever eaten?
Me personally, the weirdest thing I ate was probably silk-worm cocoons during a pilgrimage to the Motherland. Saucy, fibrous, and served to me by a toothless street-vendor in a rolled up newspaper, this gastronomic gamble left me both full and satisfied. See? Easy conversation. Everyone likes food and everyone likes being grossed out by hypotheticals; go nuts.
(Pro-tip, lie about things to make yourself seem cooler)
4. What do you think happens after we die?
I mean, here we are. Constantly surfing the line between a good time and a gristly demise. At any given point and time we can potentially bite the big one and be free of this world for good.
Sucks, I know. Or does it?
Perhaps after our existence concludes in this realm we phase into a new reality; a hyper-dimensional state of cosmic bliss in which you are finally comfortable in your own skin for once and the brink of eternity, for some reason, just doesn’t seem as bleak anymore.
Or maybe we just burn in hell forever because we looked at internet titties.
Maybe we burn because it didn’t stop at internet titties and our sexual perversion went so awry of what is biologically natural that our grand creator decided that she just wasn’t having any of it and needed to put a stop to us.
Or reincarnation. Turn into ghosts. Or nothing.
WHO KNOWS?! The only thing that is certain is that the people you’re with sure as hell don’t know either; go crazy with this one.
5. Tryna light up?
This is basically instant friendship. Or jail depending on where you live.
We are not responsible for anything stupid you do or any bad advice you take.
And there you have it. With all this fodder for the friendship-fire, how can one not be thrust into the enlightened bliss of eternal chillin’ n illin’? I have given you the blueprints to bro-hood, the frickin’ bible on how to not be a shy goon with unrealized fantasies of human interaction. You can finally have all the attention your parents deprived you of.
ALL OF IT!
BECAUSE I’M SUCH A NICE GUY!
PLEASE BE FRIENDS WITH ME!
Listen to my infallible, 100% correct advice all the time and become the GOD the cosmic deities destined you to be.
Cuz I get paid to do this, son.